If Anyone Deserves a Shrine it’s this guy…

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My New Favorite Thing: Steven Slater, The Jet Blue Flight Attendant

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I love this guy!!!

Seriously, I do.

And its not because he’s a hero (he’s not.) Or because he stuck it to the man (he didn’t.)

It’s fantastic because this is an example of overreacting at its finest…and it is absolutely hilarious. You can’t storm out of your office the same way anymore. Simply stomping out with expletives and flipping over a desk won’t cut it. This guy raised the bar. With two beers and an inflatable slide Steven Slater set a new standard. This guy cussed out a passenger over the intercom,  slid down the emergency inflatable slide  and then went home.

I wish I had been on this flight. I would have been cheering him on all the way.

Let’s reconstruct his steps, shall we?

1. Idiotic passenger fighting to get massive bag in tiny overhead container and holding up the flight. Who of us has not experienced this and wanted to scream?

2. He tells her to sit down, she refuses they argue.

3. At some point the bag falls and hits him on the head. (Hilarity begins)

4. They argue some more, because she won’t apologize and some point she calls him a MFer or to F off or something like that

5. He snaps

6. Old boy jumps on the intercom and tells the lady “F*** you,” “he’s had a great career” and that “he’s done.”

7. He proceeds to deploy the inflatable slide, grabs a couple beers, goes down the slide and heads home.

You can’t even make up stuff this fantastic.

Old Navy flip flops and the worst dates ever

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A pair of sandles like these play a big part in one of my worst dates ever

 My really horrible date this weekend inspired me to compile a list of my  most heinous dating offenses. These are all true by the way and in no particular order. (I’m currently single and no longer dating any of these guys)

  1. Surfing a dating site while on a date with me
  2. Trying to get me to buy you a pair of man sandles from Old Navy and lunch on our first date
  3. Telling me AFTER we’re already in line at the food court for our lunch date, the date you invited me on, that our meal is dutch
  4. Making a drug transaction while I sit in the car and wait for you
  5. Telling me your forgot your wallet AFTER we’ve already ordered and eaten dinner
  6. “Accidentally” ordering two appetizers plus your dinner and drinks for a dinner that you aren’t paying for
  7. Running into not 1, not 2, but 3 of your ex-girlfriends while on a date
  8. Invite me to a party at your family’s house and then you disappear for over an hour (this has happened twice with two different guys)
  9. Making a scene, yelling, and accusing the guy behind the counter of flirting with me because you think it takes to long for me to order our meal
  10. Getting drunk, stealing my car keys, and driving off in my car
  11. Waiting until I fall asleep and then stealing my cell phone and $27 out of my wallet
  12. Having sex with my roommate while I’m in my bedroom sleeping
  13. Calling your ex-girlfriend and getting visibly upset that she’s going on a date with someone else
  14. Trying to get another girl’s phone number in front of me and pretending that you want it for some other reason than to hook up with her
  15. Telling me after we’ve been on a few dates and hooked up that you already have a girlfriend
  16. Leaving me in a store while you talk to your friend, leaving the store to go to his house, but never tell me you left
  17. Loudly telling a hotel clerk, while we’re on vacation together, that we need a room with a single bed because it’ll be hard for us to have sex in a double bed
  18. Asking the clerk in a aromatics store for a scent that will make the room smell good for when we “knock boots” later (this is a different guy than #17)
  19. Almost run us into a guard rail while driving me home because you are texting and trying to watch rap videos on your dashboard TV at the same time as driving
  20. Pulling a knife on a guy at the club for having a conversation with me

…is gonna start dating ugly guys again

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Could Flavor Flav be my next boyfriend?

I’ve got a problem. I’m dating a sexy guy. Really sexy.  He is absolutely the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen and he is dating… me. Me, the chubby girl with the gap in her teeth, the hammer toes, and poochy belly.

I know what you’re thinking ” you poor thing, you get to have sex with a hot guy,  boo hoo (totally dripping with sarcasm)” But the truth is I’ve never dated anyone this hot and I’m totally insecure. Being with a really good looking person makes me feel…I don’t know…kind of ugly.

I’m constantly thinking you could have anyone why would you pick me? I’m constantly thinking that he’s gonna find someone better looking and drop me like a hot potato.

I’ve shared these thoughts with him and he assures me that he is very happy with me. He compliments me constantly and tells me that just because he gets female attention doesn’t mean he is interested. The crazy thing is he’s insecure that someone is going to steal me from him. Wow! I broke it off with him and he campaigned to get me back. Me.. the chubby girl with the gap teeth, hammer toes, and poochy belly.

That’s why I dated ugly guys I never felt like I had to compete. I always felt like they were lucky to have me. I shouldn’t say they were ugly, they were all cute to me. I’m a thrift store queen I can find the treasure in any trash. Plus I’m usually attracted to some other quality like one guy who was really smart, and others who could make me laugh.

Has anyone else encountered this problem? Does anyone else date ugly guys? Any suggestions for me.

…is admitting she has a problem.

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Yesterday I spent the entire day  hostage at home. Not by choice, but because in a purely genius move I misplaced my keys.

 I’m not kidding.

 I spent an entire day in my house looking for keys. I could not leave my house because I couldn’t lock my door. I couldn’t leave the door unlocked because my roommate already wants me out and I’m pretty sure if I left the house I probably would not be able to get back in. And without me, there would be no one to care for my massive shoe and clothing collection. (Priorities, right?)

 I’m making light of this but its symptomatic of a real problem. I turned the bed upside down. I checked all my pockets. I retraced my steps. I even went through the trash.

 The funny thing is, days before  I’d finished reading  Mike Nelson’s book “Stop Clutter from Stealing Your Life.” I’ve admitted to myself I may have a problem with clutter. Sure my old apartment could have been on one of those Oprah decluttering shows, but I never really thought it was stealing my life, until yesterday. Its literally stealing my life.

  I watch the TLC show hoarders on television and though I’m not that extreme, I relate to what they’re going through. It’s not bad housekeeping. These people aren’t dirty or lazy. I’m an organizational freak. I love to sort and organize things. It’s psychological.

 I can pinpoint  when I became a clutterer. There was a short period of my life when I was homeless. Not literally leaving on the street, but no home to call mine, living with friends, etc. I lived with a male friend who had a crush on me. He kicked me out  when he realized our relationship wasn’t going to be sexual. He kept all my clothes and possessions as a bargaining chip for sex. I left with literally the clothes on my back. A friend of mine gave me a few pieces, but for months I had like two pairs of pants and a couple shirts.

 I think once I was financially able I subconsciously bought and bought and bought clothes to ensure that no matter what happened I would never be in that position again. Now, I can barely walk in my closet and have a large storage unit filled mostly with clothes.

 So back to the keys, I eventually found them. They’d fallen into a pair of knee length boots by my bed. I stared at those boots all day and never was the wiser. It turned out not to be a freak occurence and not a result of my cluttering.  But it very easily could have been.

 I encourage anyone who can remotely relate to this story to check out Mike Nelson’s book “Stop Clutter from Stealing Your Life.” Its eye-opening and its life changing.

…playing it off (here’s how you do it)

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 I fell into a swimming pool yesterday. Didn’t slip into one. Didn’t trip into one. I was talking, not paying attention and walked into a freaking swimming pool…fully dressed…in 40 degree weather. Um…yeah.

 Ordinarily, when something really embarassing like this happens you can just play it off. You know just pretend it didn’t happen. But when someone is there (as was the case in my situation), this is a little bit more difficult. So here are some rules to save yourself from future embarassment.

Rule #1 of playing it off: This is important. If no one sees you, it didn’t happen. Don’t draw attention to it.

Rule #2 of playing it off: If its possible pretend like you totally intended to do the embarassing thing. Walk into a wall. Accident, nope just needed something hard to hit your face against to wake you up. If no one’s buying that go to…

Rule #3 of playing it off: Blame the other person. “Why didn’t you tell me that big rock was in the middle of the sidewalk causing me to trip? I could have really been hurt you douchebag.” This totally takes the attention off of you and on to the other person. They’ll be so busy defending themselves they won’t have time to laugh.

And if none of these work and all else fails…

Rule #4 of playing it off: Pretend to be hurt. People are less likely to laugh if they think you’re really injured. And who knows its a great way to gain some attention and rack up some sympathy points.

 What about you? Do you have any embarassing stories that you were totally able to play off convincingly? Or others that you didn’t? Tell me about it.

Can’t think of any, well just check out these funny and really embarassing videos. The video is kind of grainy but the content is hilarious.

…taking a stand against yellow packets.

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 We joke a lot on this blog, but from time to time we have to get serious. This is one of those times.

 Frankly, I’m blown away that  no one has addressed the vast conspiracy by restaurants and coffee establishments to replace Sweet N Low with Splenda as our artificial sweetner of choice. It happened once and I let it go, but more and more I’m noticing a trend. Finally, I was in a breakfast restaurant which shall remain nameless yesterday morning (it wasn’t IHOP) and asked for Sweet ‘N Low with my coffee. Do you know she gave me Splenda?

 Splenda is not Sweet ‘N Low. They’re two different things. I don’t like the way Splenda tastes in my coffee. Sure it seems like a small thing, but thats how it starts. First they take away our ability to choose our artificial sweetner then they’re taking away our right  to vote and our freedom of speech. I for one will not stand by why they slowly strip us of our rights. I’m taking a stand right here and right now and saying down with yellow packets.

 I’m not saying everyone has to like Sweet N Low, some people might like Equal (lol, kidding) but we should at least have the choice. Are you with me?

…is getting her fortune told in Tarot cards

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 So I met up with Trey for a mini-date at a local tourist trap. Trey (names changed to protect the guilty, lol) is my flavor of the month, we hung out and shut the place down talking and people watching.

 On my way out I spot this Tarot card reader. I am a sucker for this kind of stuff. I don’t put a whole lot of stock in it, but its fun. I figure if she gets it right, I’ve got a cool story to tell. And if she gets it wrong what the heck I’m out five bucks.

 So Candace, the reader, gave me the option of selecting one topic for my five dollars. Since I’m going to be unemployed after tomorrow, I decided to let her predict my work future. She swished some cards around and picked out a few.

 She predicted that in the next couple of months I will get a job in the health and wellness/medical-related field. It will not be before the end of the year, but by January or February at the latest. She said it won’t pay much money, but it will be enough to get by on. She also said that  my boss will have some connection to Florida.

 The one thing that blew my mind was this prediction. I asked her about my career goals as a journalist. She said that she saw that I would be working in journalism as a reporter somewhere in Washington D.C. She says I will focus mostly on human interest/social work type stories. She also said that I will be an outspoken rabble-rouser and this could potentially get me into some legal trouble. It blew my mind because I never mentioned to her that I’d already done a reporting internship in Washington D.C. and really wanted to go back there.

 She was also certain that I’m not gonna stay in Georgia. That’s funny because I’ve also been thinking alot about getting out of here and going somewhere else. It’ll be fun to watch and see if any of this comes true. I’ll keep you posted.

…having really bizarre dreams.

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 Two nights ago I dreamt I accidentally knocked my laptop over and all of the keys fell off. I was trying to put them back on, but they wouldn’t stay. Plus since the keyboard isn’t in alphabetical order I didn’t know where all the keys were supposed to go. .

 I believe dreams sometimes speak to our subconscious thoughts. The fact that this dream was so vivid and I actually remembered it signaled I should consider looking into it.

 I consulted my favorite dream interpretation website www.dreammoods.com for some guidance. Ordinarily, Dream Moods is a great resource, but they didn’t have anything  As a regular visitor to this site I’ve learned that a lot of times dreams are both symbolic and literal at the same time.

 My guess was that the keyboard represented my life right now. (Why a keyboard I don’t know.) But the keys falling off represent pieces of my life that have come apart (i.e. my job situation, my relationships, my finances, etc). My attempt to put the keyboard back together is me trying to figure things out, but I don’t know where things go exactly. There’s a place for things but I’m not quite sure where they fit.

 Its exactly my life right now. Things kind of feel like they’re falling apart, and I’m doing my best to put things back where they belong. The trick is where I think things belong may not necessarily be where they’re supposed to go. 

 Just like in the dream I’m not really sure how to fix this. I can only wait and hope and keep trying to fit the pieces together into something useful. 

 Do your dreams ever mirror or symbolize things in your life?  Do you just have a weird dream you’d like to talk about?

…nursing a hangover (oy vey)!!!

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I guess I had a few too many

I guess I had a few too many

I’m not a drinker but I will imbibe from time to time. This time, I hung out with my friend Dee for some barhopping and a whole lot of drinking. So naturally I feel like total crap. I’m sure you can relate. In my post-drunken haze I took the liberty of compiling a list of some of the world’s most bizarre hangover remedies. I can assure you I won’t be trying any of these, but they make for a fun read. Enjoy.

  1. Pickled Sheep’s Eyes in Tomato juice: popular in Outer Mongolia
  2. Rabbit Droppings Tea: In the Old West cowboys drank for hangovers. (Kind of gives a new meaning to being shit-faced), LOL.
  3. Cow’s Stomach: In Romania they cure a hangover with a stew made from tripe, aka cow’s stomach. The cow’s stomach is boiled in greasy, salty root vegetable soup with garlic, vinegar and cream.
  4. Deep fried Canaries (Ancient Greece)
  5. Sheep’s lungs and two owl eggs (Ancient Rome)
  6. The Prairie Oyster: (I saw this one on the Food Network). It’s a whole raw egg, Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper. The goal is to swallow the whole thing in one gulp without breaking the yolk.
  7. Burial: The Irish have a strange custom to cure hangovers: burying the person in moist river sand.
  8. Dried Bull’s Penis (Sicily)
  9. Sour pickle juice (Poland): A variation on this is soured milk. Some say soured milk (which is unpasteurized and has been left at room temperature for a day or two).
  10. Drinking your own sweat: Some Native Americans tribes would run until they get sweaty then lick all the sweat up and spit it out. This is supposed to get rid of all the ‘poison’ you’d just oozed out.
  11. Soot: In the 19th century chimneysweeps used the healing power of soot mixed into warm milk.
  12. Voodoo: A Haitian remedy recommends sticking 13 black pins in the cork of the offending bottle

BONUS: An Ounce of Prevention:

  • Peanut Butter Eating peanut butter before drinking is an African remedy.
  • Scalp stimulation Pull your hair in clumps so that your full scalp is stimulated. This remedy brings blood to the scalp and relieves the headache.
  • And of course, the good old Lemon on your Armpits In Puerto Rico one remedy is to rub half of a lemon or lime in the armpit of their drinking arm before they start drinking to stop a hangover before it starts. Apparently, lemon prevents dehydration and therefore headaches because it helps retain fluid. Experts say you rub the lemon clockwise if you live in the Northern hemisphere and counterclockwise in the southern hemisphere for the full effect.